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Here is what to expect at Summer Camp Music Festival 2014, by JR Johnivan

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If every other year is any indication, late Wednesday night / early Thursday mornin will see a massive influx of wooks to the Chillicothe area, followed by early morning schwill showers and dense patchouli fog soon after.

We’ll then see the standard noon-time flooding, which will then delay the opening of the gates, and cause a massive storm of bitching. With the FLOOD in the WOOD, things will be lookin mighty shady that first day, so bring your blue fruit snacks, but don’t spend time twiddlin your funky junk, cuz its business as usual, just make sure to put your stereo in the sun when it comes out, or in the henhouse, if thats your thing. Oh, and one last tip for Thursday people, remember to take your medicine, especially you Nahko bear – I’ll be checkin up on you.

Once you get your organism out from under the covers and off the groundation on Friday, you’ll need to put your old shoes on in order to make a funk trek over to moe., which will happen under the afternoon moon if you’re lucky. After that, you’d be slightly stoopid if you didn’t head for the hills, otherwise you’ll be stuck on a bro safari with a robotic pirate monkey named leroy justice. But that’s enough girl talk – we’ll put on our cosby sweaters, have some mimosas (or margaritas) and pass around the UV Hippo under the green lantern for a while, before headed straight to Primus. Prom night?  Maybe after that we’ll observe the end of time, or maybe even the dawn of midi, before fade running into the night.

Saturday afternoon can be summed up in two words: RISING APPALACHIA. Scheduled right at 12:15 on the hour, don’t miss them. After that, we’ll wheeland over to Chicago farmer, who happens to be wearing their own old shoes. If you have to, participate in Grandtheft of some Black Cadillacs, but whatever you do, don’t miss out on that liquid Greensky. Next, we’ll have an hour of bluegrass-driven devil worship during the Devil Makes Three (warning: you may see rabid canines in the mosh pit, as well as cute little blonde girls who like to punch you in the arm). Don’t let that scare you. We’ll be screamin LUCIA!!!!! while heckling Cooper McBean. With a name like McBean, you just can’t help but yell it.

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They’ll be kind enough to pardon us in time for K-Dub and More Than a Little, before everyone smears themselves in special sauce for G. love. After that, we’re breaking science during an indigo sun, right before enjoying the annual UMPH> moe > UMPH > moe run. If you stay up late enough, you just might catch the beautiful Carly Meyers and the Mike Dillon Band, like shooting stars across the night sky.

After all this, you might need to attend Acoustics Anonymous on Sunday – and I don’t blame you. You’ll swear and shake all the way to Umphrey’s McGee, and then to Yonder Mountain (Sans Jeff Austin, WTF), or maybe you’ll check out some moe. Or maybe you’ll go and seek the rainbow with Joe Hertler. Next, I would personally go see Aqueous, just because the name reminds me of “aquarius”, but I’m sure some might want to see Zac Brown. We also have conflicting reports of possible Pimps in the area, as well as a chance of heavy Lettuce blooms, which is expected to happen right during Mountain Standard Time.

Undoubtedly people will be having a lot of American Babies at this point, but it’s closing in on everyone’s favorite man-crush, Trey, so hopefully we don’t have any huge rainstorms again. If that’s the case, you’ll find me taking cover with a half gallon of Juggalo Juice and watching the lightning with known possum kickers. I hope it doesn’t come to that.

If you like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and also happen to like house, you might like Wolfgang Gartner, but he’s basically in between a Trey sandwich, and I can’t say I personally envy him (though I know some do). Whatever happens doing this time, just make sure to secure your Auto Body, your Spare Parts and your Dugas, because if they got ProbCause, they’ll make you SPREAD ’em, for sure. Next we’ve got Bassnectar. I’m calling a BOLO (not a YOLO) for people spraying napalm and shooting off roman candles during this show. Don’t be that guy. Instead of bringing fireworks, go see Blackberry Smoke. Why? Why not? Whatever you do, don’t miss out on moe’s Sunday set. Just don’t catch exploding head syndrome, and remember – if everyone looks like people from the Hills Have Eyes, just relax and breathe deep. Same goes if everyone looks like an exotic bird. Watch for shooting stars and mudbabies. They’ll be out in force.

Go Figure – it ends with The Wood Brothers. Or Russ Liquid. Or, for the VIPers, Umphrey’s McGee. Either way, enjoy it. Jump in the mud. Swim in Moonshine Lake. Why not?

It’s the end.

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